This Too Shall Pass.........

But when?

When can I stop pretending that I'm happy?
When can I start living my life like it's mine?
When can I start being myself again?
When can I start believing in optimism again?

Conversations With God!!!

Dear God,

I'm writing to you because I want me to continue believing in you like I used to. I know I don't think you're the same person you used to be but I think I'm being so selfish for believing in you when the going was good and for losing my faith when the going isn't so great.

Dear God, I would like you to know that somewhere deep down I still believe you will set everything right for me because I know it's beyond me now. And though I do not remember you as often as I should, I hope you still remember me. I am troubled that thoughts of you don't comes easily to me these days and I wish you would change that at least. If I can't have anything else, can I have you at least by my side?

Several times in a day, a prayer begins to form at my lips but I never send it you because I feel cheap asking for anything other than what you've already given me. You do know what's best for me, don't you? I hope it's just me right now who can't see it. I hope there's a good reason why you're doing this with me.

I cry a lot these days because I'm weak and vulnerable from everything that's happening around me over which I have no apparent control but which affects me in the biggest way possible. But please forgive me for those tears. They are not tears of ingratitude though they may be tears of sorrow.

Help me forget the pain, please. And help me forgive. Because I'm tired of the weight that I carry with me. I feel I am drifting away from the people I love because I'm so bitter inside. Don't take away those people away from me and blame it on me, God; don't blame me for being bitter.

I see the world around me changing. And I feel like a bystander with no part to play in it. Give me a part, God, in my own life.

Love you,
Indy

Silence!!!

Silence is pure beauty



Beauty without imperfection



A space between sounds



A deadness between noise



Quiet, you can hear it, yet you can't hear anything at all



So you could say silence is nothing



A nothing like me



Nothing is there and so nothing there is to judge



I wish I was silence, so no one would judge me……

That Feeling !!!

Someone who said love is a heady feeling must have been drunk.

I always thought love grinds you down, shows you your basic self. And the biggest question then is, can you stand up to this self of yours? It is disturbing. For, it holds a mirror to you. Boy! that can put you off.

Now, if you dont have the guts to withstand that, stay off it. Because if you cant see yourself through that process which I believe is a grueling test of human character, you dont deserve to love that special one.

I know, what's the question that must be arising... What's your basic self, right? Yes, that's you with all your flaws, all your insecurities intact. Utterly humane. Can you overcome them? Do you have it in you to resist them? It's a tough job, friend. It's hard work. Something you work on everyday. For, love makes you go through a world of emotions. From utter hopelessness to a sense of redemption. Probably, that's what makes love such a grand feeling. Almost death like.

As Neruda describes:
I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.
I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.
May be January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and
I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you,
Love, in fire and blood..............

A Killing Time

Leave it to God. That's what he told me....


It might have taken me quite a bit of time to own up but yes, it's a difficult phase in life. Everything I touch vanishes these days. Things I looked forward to have simply turned away from me. I thought I knew where I am headed. Now sometimes, I am forced to feel I have no clue. None whatsoever. It's frustrating, to say the least. You can always put up a brave face. Deep inside though you know it's merely a facade.


Why is it happening, I can't tell you. Sometimes, I even ask myself have I done enough to deserve what I am seeking in life. To be honest, I have no idea at all.


Then suddenly, it becomes all the more difficult if you set yourself parameters of success and failure. When you look at yourself as another one in the race, the path suddenly becomes tedious. The joy of the journey fades away. Getting drawn into comparison is something I always despised. But that's exactly what I am doing. Looking at myself through others' parameters of success and failure.


I always called myself a drifter. Took life as it came. So why am I bothered now? It probably is the right time to drift awhile without losing hope. Didn't someone say hope is the thing with feathers?


As nothing goes my way, I am back to things I have always cherished; things which are close to my heart; memories of great times with my someone special; thoughts of my loved one who have inspired me. I know it's time to hang on. May be a little more. The road will appear. Sooner than later.


The sensational Ayn Rand said:


It is easy to stumble. It's easy to lose way. Easier when you think you have not got what you want in life.


In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours.

Constipation !!!

I havent been regular to my blog off late. I desperately want to write something funny and delightful and insight fully readable, but alas!! I cant. Partly because I must be suffering from the severe case of writer's block and partly because of the slightly hollow paradox that I described in my previous post, where real insights are reserved for the self. Maybe I'm suffering from what is called as Mental Constipation of the worst kind..hehehe :P :P . The kind where you sit there for hours waiting for it, pushing for it and finally giving up and pretend washing... lol

In the words a of not so wise man

"Why'd you have to go and get me so constipated" - Weird Al on Avril Lavigne (a meeting of the minds indeed)

Maybe I need more food for thought.

THY ABSENCE !!!

ABSENSE.....
Sometimes the physical absense of an entity is so hard to ingest into your system...isnt it ?

You can see that things are not gonna change from what they are, yet you cant bring yourself upto gulping it down.

Its at these moments you feel like you have used all your energy.....

Missing, craving, waiting, crying, wanting, needing...and still it never seems to cease embarking its existence on the lonesome grave.

The lament is too high, the pain is too deep.

And then the pinnacle of uncertainty glides into your heart, creating humungous tidals waves of doubts and questions.

Is tomorrow, just a figment of imagination rooted deep into the crust of infinity ?

Is tomorrow, just the concept of a loner's pain of eluding the sting of nullness ?

A million questions run across your mind in a million milliseconds, yet no answer shows up.

You keep drawing circles, knowing you're gonna keep doing that for a long long time. Coz the vantage point you're looking for, is somewhere hidden in between the lines of the unseen tomorrow.

Aah.........the tomorrow !!!

Whose sole mission is catapulting the innumerable neutrons of maelstroms onto the translucent membrane of emotions called 'LOVE' that wraps this innocent heart....

Making this innocent heart, ever more fragile....