No Title for this post

I searched again today.
Yet another futile attempt.

I searched again in spaces big and small, inside my heart and outside, in sounds and in silence, in sight and behind closed eyes. I searched for a glimpse, a shadow, a word, a glance, a breath?

I found none.

Love that was everywhere - the sand that let me leave my mark on it, the breeze that kissed me without asking, the sounds of music that I carried within me, the colors of joy splashed all around me - they all came together to surround me like a warm embrace. I held on tight, knowing and not believing that there will come a time when I have to let go. So, I closed my eyes and slept like a child, dreaming dreams that kept my illusion alive. And then one day, they all left and they took with them my world of love.

It was not him that I searched for. I searched for the world that I created for myself when he was around. I searched for the lightness in my step and in my heart, for the beauty around me and within me, I searched for colors, melody, life and love.

I searched for the me that lived only for him, only for those moments shared with him.

IS IT LOVE??

Hearts can travel very far,
I've found that to be true
I'm here, Bu my heart is not
That has always been with you

I gave it once, to you my dear,
I did not take it back from you
It can never be the same again
Because it can only love you.....

YOU!!!

When the twinkling stars in the velvet sky put on their most mischievous smile, and when the moon, full in all its pristine white aura stood witness to the magic in the breeze,

I saw you in my dream.

Did I tell...that I miss you so??

Dawn spreads peace and happiness in colors stroked across, so vibrant,
This beauty, I wake to see in awe,
Empty, but I feel in soul..

Wish you were here now, in smiles to caress my love,
Hollow, in dreams, I feel..
Memories that linger to haunt..

Touch, of who’s my sense desires to kindly embrace..
Care not, do I of this world,
You by me is all that I need..

Humor so transparent, taught me to laugh in spirits..
Now percolates my life..
Into a slush of dread and fear..


Care for me, when I look so low, preaching in my thoughts, even now..
A white glow lit up the dark layer,
Gaze do I, for hours, in despair..

Tears rehash and flow in symphony, a reason not, they rebel to cease..
Time swings by, my heart melts in love..
Silence, for days, in shock it dwelled..

Left my life, and took my soul, cold as ever, you left me alone..
Reminiscence do I, those frozen moments..
Look back to see, prints of love, yet undone......

Curled around you..

PS : Cross-posted from my previous blog. This post means a lot to me.... :)

I wasn’t sure about where we going. He didn’t know me and I didn’t know him for sure..I was so badly occupied with my eventful life..But, I didnt know how things changed in just a day, within a moment.

But we met..and talked..and felt each other; a wave ran through my spine which had frozen to ice by then…I felt leaning against his arms, really did wish..MELTED..
He wanted me to hold him..how on earth did he know that I needed that ?? Rest in his arms..eternal !
The breeze liked it too, I know..she kept dancing in swirls around..

We sat together, legs dipped in dreams, feelings….life started singing…but I was missing…elsewhere was I ??
Yes, ther…rrre I was battling fear of losing him..wanted time to stop right there..like Hey you..pause NOW..

Simple in being yet so magnificent he was..I discovered..
And then so blissfully he completed me, he knew the skill, I say…wanted him for ‘forever’, like that…damn wishes, ah!

A concealed delicate thread ties us both together till now.
I talk about everything with him…my fear and threats, insecurities and love…
And all his eyes say is, ‘Hold me like that, again!’..I do
..And I fall in love with him all over again as we walk like a prince and a princess on the nature’s ramp…

My heart begged a chance of loving him again and again all my life, and I granted…

I have already chosen my beautiful fate..!!

TRULY,MADLY,DEEPLY....

Despite the wrong place in time,

The age where I belong,

The rotations my life takes,

With you I can tag along...



Despite the impediments,

I paved my way through,

There is no fear I can't face,

Knowing my way back to you...

Despite the mishaps,

The distance emerging,

Life's little notions and curves,

Latterly I see us resurging...



Despite the events fake or fact,

I know you will ascend,

Memories I don’t just reminiscence,

Alas! It is them who will comprehend...

Despite the thunders,

that shattering piece of calamity,

I will let eagerness blow,

Dreams believed in are a reality...



Despite the numbness,

I bleed under my skin,

No day have I loved you less,

Come invade me from within...

Despite the yester days,

the light flashes unmistakably,

the sun still shines through my window,

I behold your homecoming blindly...



Despite the wrong turns,

There is still something to return to,

My love is fresh and fragrant,

Undoubtedly I truly madly deeply love you...

BUT!! ALAS....TIME HEALS NO WOUNDS

They say time heals all wounds
Which is true for a broken bone
But can time heal a broken heart
A heart that’s all alone?

It is a myth if you ask me. A myth they keep feeding me and a myth that they always torture me with. No time will heal my wounds. No way will my heart be the same again. Any anniversary of a loved one's demise or a day you sit silently and observe silence for him/her who just walked out of your life, letting you bleed an ocean becomes a crowbar in the calendar that reopens those wounds again. Why commemorate? Are you human? Why do you want to hide the human-ness about you if you are?

What is more accurate to say is that the loss of someone you love creates a permanent hole in your heart that never goes away. No one can make it go away. There is not a single soul without a hole in their heart, in their being. The smiles they smile and the lies they tell to you are just so that you don't keep nagging about 'how it will ruin their life', there are no ruins, there are only holes, a part which has seeped out but amazingly the heal power in humans helps build and fortify the muscle around the hole by focusing on what you still have, what is possible for you and ways you can integrate the memory of your loved one in your life. Amazing?

Truly.

I cannot flush my past out and be a new born baby again.

I feel and that is how I will feel and love the man who will come in my future to stay.

What is it about the passage of time that leads us to believe that real changes will occur? People are crazy, they know how to use words well only. The passage of time just makes the hurt less because you get so used to living without that which was taken away. If that is how time is said to heal? then yes, time heals all wounds...

...if we only wait long enough!

Write Soon !!

I'd put in Gibran's quote here for him to read:

'I want you to love me as a poet loves his sorrowful thoughts. I want you to remember me as a traveler remembers a calm pool in which his image was reflected as he drank its water. I want you to remember me as a mother remembers her child that died before it saw the light, and I want you to remember me as a merciful king remembers a prisoner who died before his pardon.'

Leigh Nash-Along the wall

There is a door, where i am standing
Without a key, without a clue
Without you, i am wondering...
Wondering about you.

It's a cold cold night
Are you gonna call me
Tell me about.. how i go on and on.. about you
Being how it used to be.
How it's all about me.

Ooohh i would like to know
Who is the wounded one
Which one will make the move
Which one is willing to lose

Yellow

Life what we call it..Is just about moving on and getting rid of the past accepting what you get and letting go of what you can't have..is it that easy? To do all this is it that easy as it looks like? I bet you it isn't it really isn't..with every unfulfilled desire a part of you changes and you are never the same person again...I hate to change..

Greg laswell-What a day
What a day to be alive
What a day to realize I'm not dead
What a day to save a dime
What a day to die trying

What a way to say good bye
What a wonderful life now
What a way to use your mind
What a day to say good night

"Bring on the evening hours," I cry
"Bring on the evidence of my life"
(My life)

What a day to give a damn
What a day for "Gone with the Wind"
And what a day to start again
What a day to give up dry gin

"Bring on the evening hours," I cry
"Bring on the evidence of my life"
"Bring on the evening hours," I cry
"Bring on the evidence of my life"

Let it go
Let it go from here, I don't know
Let it go
Let it go from here, I don't know
Don't know

What a day to visit Seattle
What a day for San Francisco
What a day, holy Toldeo
What a day to get in the air and go
What a day to give up smoking
What a day to absorb
What a day to welcome a baby
And to begin breathing
(To begin breathing)

I don’t know why I am writing this. But I just had to.

Why does it hurt every time I go through it? I know it is happening, I know I can’t help it but I am hurt. I still cry. I still curse my existence. But why?

I want to share my thoughts with someone, cry my heart out. But I can’t do it. I can’t justify myself again and again. They will hate me for my impotence to help myself. Just as I hate myself today.

At such a time I question the existence of God. Doe he really exists? Does he see it all happening in front of his eyes and not do anything about it? Am I so evil that I don’t even deserve a little bit of his compassion or love. Mom used to say that thakur ji helps us all if we ask for it from pure heart. Then doesn’t the wailing of my heart move that god made of stone.

I am angry and the anger is out with tears. My conscience is screaming for help. I want to pick the bits and pieces of my soul and put the broken picture together. But I can’t it’s too broken. Just like the million pieces of broken glass. My tears are my only companion. After sometime even they leave me alone for self pitying.

I hate to look in the mirror. I hate to accept the person I have become. But I have to live with it. Detesting oneself can cost you a lot.

I smile with all, they all love me. They envy my innocence that is not there. But to them I show. My life for them is a mirage. Mirage where there is a lot of water to fill the emptiness of my life. But the more you draw closer, the more you are lost in the dryness of emotions.

Maybe yes, I am the one to be blamed. But I refuse to accept cuz I can live with my life’s mirage but not with the acceptance of reality. Reality hurts.

I wonder if my life will change ever. I wonder if it would ever be normal. If I can ever be proud of myself. For present its highly impossible.

Andekhe Khwaab

Aankhon mein andekhe khwaab hain
aur hothon pe kayi ankahi baatein
Baaton mein ansuni khwahishein hain
Aur khwahishon mein andheri si raatein
Andhere mein tanhai nazar aati hain
Saath deti hain sirf tumhari yaadein
Yaadon mein bhi aankhein roti hain
kyunki bikhar gaye hain saare naatein