I don’t know why I am writing this. But I just had to.

Why does it hurt every time I go through it? I know it is happening, I know I can’t help it but I am hurt. I still cry. I still curse my existence. But why?

I want to share my thoughts with someone, cry my heart out. But I can’t do it. I can’t justify myself again and again. They will hate me for my impotence to help myself. Just as I hate myself today.

At such a time I question the existence of God. Doe he really exists? Does he see it all happening in front of his eyes and not do anything about it? Am I so evil that I don’t even deserve a little bit of his compassion or love. Mom used to say that thakur ji helps us all if we ask for it from pure heart. Then doesn’t the wailing of my heart move that god made of stone.

I am angry and the anger is out with tears. My conscience is screaming for help. I want to pick the bits and pieces of my soul and put the broken picture together. But I can’t it’s too broken. Just like the million pieces of broken glass. My tears are my only companion. After sometime even they leave me alone for self pitying.

I hate to look in the mirror. I hate to accept the person I have become. But I have to live with it. Detesting oneself can cost you a lot.

I smile with all, they all love me. They envy my innocence that is not there. But to them I show. My life for them is a mirage. Mirage where there is a lot of water to fill the emptiness of my life. But the more you draw closer, the more you are lost in the dryness of emotions.

Maybe yes, I am the one to be blamed. But I refuse to accept cuz I can live with my life’s mirage but not with the acceptance of reality. Reality hurts.

I wonder if my life will change ever. I wonder if it would ever be normal. If I can ever be proud of myself. For present its highly impossible.