is it when u crave for company every second of the day
and can’t stand people for more than two minutes at a stretch?
is it when you can’t wait for the class to get over
and actually curse the college ‘coz they gave you a half day?
is it when you pick up a book you have been dying to read for almost a month
and look for the smallest excuse to put it down?
is it when ur sitting in a classroom training session and
listening to the rant of the instructor who just doesnt stop!!!!!!!
is it when you go off for a walk by yourself to feel refreshed
and actually come back feeling even more tired in both body and soul?
is it when you have 10 movies to choose from
and end up not watching any ‘coz u just couldn’t make up your mind?
is it when you have been looking forward to your friend’s big b’day bash for days
and the night before lie about some important engagement so you won’t have to go?
is it when you log in to gtalk to wile away your time
and end up saying brb to everybody just to hide the fact that you have nothing to say?
is it when you spend an hour digging in the computer for your favourite songs
and turn off the playlist in the middle of the very first song?
is it when you fight with your roomie to turn off the light at nine so you can sleep
and end up lying in bed till 5 in the morning trying to find a way around your insomnia?
is it when you make exorbitant plans for your life to pass time
and can’t think of three good reason why you should be alive?
is it when you have fought for freedom all your life
and can’t bear the desolation it actually brought?
if it is….then it seems that i am suffering from an advanced case of boredom....
And thus we part our ways.
Vagueness of expression,
Vagueness of uniqueness,
Vagueness of the Vacuum,
And the Vacuum of existence.
My existence was a question,
My meanings were meaningless,
And I myself was lost,
Lost in myself, Lost in the Journey.
The Journey was snatching me away,
And I was finding myself more lost,
Lost in the struggle and the success,
Aghast and happy at every lesson,
Lesson of Life and the cry of the pain.
Pain was teaching me at every step,
Which the joys couldn’t teach,
The true faces and the true lies,
The True figments and the deceptive ways,
And taking me to paths I never saw.
Every lie seemed unfurled,
Every deception was unraveled,
The evilness was out in open,
I stood shattered and broken,
The tears was the only companions left,
I was the only companion of me,
But still I stood with thankfulness.
Thankful for the reality,
Thankful for the revelations,
And thankful for the deceptions,
Thankful for the cries,
Thankful for the sorrows,
And Thankful for the falseness,
I was Thankful for this and much more,
I was thankful for the vagueness and the Life,
And I was Thankful for the new ignited Me.
An intervention in me , became you
Endless years in wonder
That voice in rain calling
my name, the silent thunder
I gave up slowly to your charm
And embraced this transience
From a vacuum to void calm
to a metaphysical genesis , became you
An interaction in me , became you
Clutched the tenderness tightly
Afraid to shove the unbearable
Therefore I changed slightly
Like blue water into a crystal
Your unsurpassed dexterity
Created a neutral world inside me
With full of dreams and purity
Now rendered vague but indeed , became you
An imagination in me, became you
A helping hand , the moment’s need
But from where I stand, its not too deep
Your thoughts keep evolving like a seed
Inside this mind trampoline, the change is so steep
Beneath the soil lies this unfinished portrait
Not a cognitive synthesis but a psychic bet
Within a span of intimacy and a smile that’s due
Thus I changed , I became you…..
A pessimist only sees the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides and shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all--he's walking on them.
I would want to be, a rainy day,
When little children, come out and play,
With many a smile, not a sorrow,
Rain on them joys, a better tomorrow.
When little rivers, begin to flow,
For little paper boats, to race afloat,
To clean the air, of so much dust,
What the wind can’t do, with a powerful gust.
When farmers have sown, they call me,
To shower on seeds, that gives food aplenty,
That saves a life, from dying of drought,
I want to be, the rain they sought.
When lakes and wells,dry in summer heat,
To make them full, they I must meet,
To give the water,when it is needed most,
To give the hope, when all seems lost.
When gardens dry, scorched by the sun,
To nourish them back, I am the one,
The sun can shine, after I go,
As after the rain, does come the rainbow.
Heat of summer, or winter chill,
Beautiful spring,or autumn still,
Rather than these, I really must say,
What I really want to be, is a rainy day.
As the drapes unfold,
the darkness within,
Rays of light shake,
my slumber in dreams,
Eyes wake to see,
a fresh day in scene,
Morning blankets the skies,
in heavenly realms,
Small strokes of white,
blend the blue in hue,
Chirping away to glory,
black dots add a cue,
Orange and yellow slowly,
embrace this vision,
Eyes struggle to focus,
mind wavers amidst the crimson.
With steam flowing from,
a cup of cappuccino,
I gaze at this beauty,
nature has painted, in time,
Thoughts roll in mind,
ponder a while, about some,
As I sip the last relish,
clouds cover the blue, in mime.
Wait for the shade,
to wipe off the black fallen,
Stroll the day soon,
fill my mind, that’s swollen,
Gaze yet another moment,
towards the sky, unchanged,
Slowly, a snow drop, falls,
as it lights my world, from heaven.
Think about the, good and bad,
Things I have not and did have,
To pen, my words, some thought,
Curving a smile, I curl,
as night bestows.
Happiness was what i went through yest when i found my 10+ year old tiny diary lost in the stack of books. For i had penned a few verses there and had collected hundreds of fav quotes and poetic lines in it. Those where the blog-less days when I used to write journals and scribbles in notes and diaries.So you can imagine….my elation as if i found a well-hidden-treasure…for me its indeed a treasure!
O Lord, please, just listen to this prayer
I ask not for valuables or riches
I only want more of what I have got
Things that to me is priceless
That which many before have sought
O Lord, please, just listen to this prayer
I want more of the love that my loved ones give
To give them in return that what money can’t buy
To see them happy till forever
For these moments to be in my eyes
O Lord, please, just listen to this prayer
I want to be the best I can be
To get past my defeats and then fly high
To do what I can and even more
To lead a life without a worry or sigh
O Lord, please, just listen to this prayer
You know my deepest desire
You know what causes me pain
You know what I most want right now
You know I give my best everytime
Please don’t let my efforts be in vain
Let me be
Let me be me
Give my joys to my loved ones
If they are happy…So Am I…
O Lord, please, just listen to this prayer
Finally.. I’m here..
It’s been quite some time since I last wrote.. But, it’s not the reason for me to write today..
I’m writing coz at this moment I don’t have anything better to do..
You see, am lying cozily in my bed.. & I can doze off at any moment I want..
I have a novel to finish since ages, & I can finish it..
I can philosophise about ways of the world n feel pity for those who don’t like chocolate.. 
I can look back upon my life & try to remember what I was doing at this time of the day 3 years ago.. ( I was sleeping probably, but still…!!!)
I can think about my future & guess what I’ll be doing at this time of the day 3 years from now.. ( I’ld be sleeping probably, but still…!!!)
I can lie down & stare at the ceiling n practice hypnotism on Mosquitoes.. ‘Don’t bite me..’ ‘Go bite Paris Hilton’ or better still.. ‘You are not a mosquito..You are Paris Hilton..’
I can try being creative n write an essay on.. “If I were a lamp-post..” or “If I were a Motorbike..” or better still.. “If I were all these things…say, a motorbike wearing stilettos under a lamp-post..”
I can wonder about how long would it take for me to burst if I had a hot chocolate fudge every other day..
I can try to mentally calculate what will be the 76.345% of 187th part of the product of the cubes of first 38 natural numbers raised to the power 4999..
I can make a list of all the movies I’ve watched more than twice,all the movies I haven’t watched more than twice,all the movies I can watch more than twice,all the movies I can’t watch more than twice..all the movies I..
I can start writing my own bestseller on.. “How to waste time in 1000 most efficient ways..”
I can look for things I’ve lost in my last 2 yrs stay in the hostel.. lol (what a thinking? lolz)
I can make a list of all the people I want to kill, take voodoo lessons online n kill them..*eeeehaahaa haa*
I can make a fake id, go to a regional chat room, bad mouth at everyone & run away..
I can clean my room.. *yawwwwwwn…*
I can go stare in the mirror n tell myself.. “I’m a well disciplined person.I know how to manage my time efficiently.I’m a competent n hardworking person.I’m a very sweet girl.I’m charming n polite.I never get angry.I’m very patient & diligent.I hate sweets & I hate chocolate fudges.I study regularly.I…..”
I can go to market n buy a feviquick to fix the broken stylus of my cell, so that I don’t need to use my nails to operate it..
I can do planchette n call spirits n ask them, when will I become the President of India..
I can write fan mail to John Abraham :inlove:
I can reply to my fan mail.. :”> 
I can sketch portraits… of myself..
I can make an effort to introspect n find out why I’m the way I am.. get depressed.. n promise myself to do something about it.. from 1st of the next month..
I can think………. about anything I wish..!
So you see.. I have the potential & the freedom to spend my time in whatever way I wish to..
But then, why have I dragged my super lazy ass to write this super shitty piece of crap.. ?
– For the heck of it!!
PS: There’s a big difference between everyone’s –> *I can do*, *I will do* n *I have done…*. Period. 
A lot happens over coffee…
Self meets self…
Their own real inner self…
Self… that at times gets lost in the various emotions.. Jealousy… Disillusionment… Hurt… Joy too at times…
Here self meets self again…
“HI!! It has been a long time na??”
A lot happens over coffee…
Self gets over broken dream…
Self celebrates moving on from that broken dream…
Self formulates a new dream…
A lot happens over coffee…
Self just wants to disappear in self for sometime…
Self just wants to observe others…
The couple on a blind date on the next table…
Or the group of young boys with an appetite on the table in front…
Or simply…
Self is hungry… And a lot can be eaten with coffee…
I am: sweet, friendly, adamant, stubborn, stupid at times (lolz) and brave
I think: too far ahead. Gets me in trouble sometimes
I know: I need to shut up sometimes. But try as I do, I sometimes can’t.
I want: my friends and family always by my side. They are my life.
I have: myself, and a loving parents, who means the world to me.
I wish: can’t tell it now. What if it doesn’t come true
I hate: when my hard work, fails to get results…
I miss: my sweetheart, who was taken away from me, right in front of me and ofcourse the sweet childhood memories
I fear: losing who are dear to me
I feel: luck is on my side (of late, it has been bad luck, hopefully it will change)
I hear: silence.
I smell: chocolate cake (mom’s cooking always attracts my nose!!)
I crave: for love and affection
I search: within me, to understand me, its been impossible till now
I wonder: why my life, is like a cake, with chocolate icing, and pepper on the inside
I regret: not being able to be who I wanted to be. (Time is still there, I can still do it!)
I love: my dad the most (mom, forgive me, but you don’t occupy top spot in my heart)
I ache: when I get a migraine (nowadays, presentations do that to me all the time. )
I am not: perfect.
I believe: in me. (My parents’ do too…)
I dance: well enough
I sing: I do sing well but i feel otherwise. (You’d feel a donkey can bray better than I can ever sing, if u hear me singing)
I cry: rarely. (If I cry, my loved ones cry. I hate to see people cry bcoz of me)
I fight: mostly with mom (considering Im d only kid, that’s obvious!! But reconciliation in 5 mins or less!! )
I write: what my heart says.
I win: friends’ hearts!! (More cherished than any old trophy or medallion!!)
I lose: money. (I forget there is a hole in my wallet and put coins there itself!!)
I never: judge people by their face. (Their heart sometimes speaks a different language!!)
I always: believe in the best. (Always will!!)
I confuse: seminars. (I once gave a electronics seminar, in a Computer class!!)
I listen: fully before speaking my view.
I can usually be found: online. (24/7 would be nearly right!!)
I am scared: of flying cockroaches. (Very difficult to hit with a slipper, they don’t stay in one place!!)
I need: someone to talk to. (I feel better sharing my thoughts when I am down, so I look for someone who I can turn to, to hear me out and console me….But most of the times I end up becoming someone else’s shoulder than for myself).
I am happy about: my life. (It has joy, it has sorrows, just the perfect blend!!)
I imagine: a lot of things. (Being a poet...lolz...lolz, imagination is something God has given me in plentiful, most of which is trash!!)
In my eyes, in my mind.
There’s this place made of lies,
Where everyone fakes a smile,
And there exists just one style.
People laugh, people cry,
But no one would ask you why,
Play along is what they’ll do,
Its’ all a game, it’s nothing new.
And you see me walk down the street,
With a smile that’s naught but sweet,
While inside, I’m breaking down,
But I’d never make a sound.
Just watch closely, there you’d see,
The painfully hurt part of me,
That grows and grows as time goes on,
As I fight to keep myself calm.
It’s not working, now, not anymore,
The lies, they’ve crept in, to my core,
And my heart’s not holding up so well,
It’s taken time for me to tell.
But it’s been there all along,
The same lullaby, the same song,
Singing, “Masquerade!” “Masquerade!”,
And, “They’re all fake! It’s all fake!”.
And I turn to look around,
There’s silence, now, there’s no sound,
They’re waiting for me to complete my task,
So I reach up and take off my mask…..
In the midst of a crowd, among the noises and the commotion, I try to sit quietly, and plan my next move. What should I do to calm my senses, to regain myself which I have been fast losing being amongst so many people at a time? I just cannot seem to find the answer.
It is so easy to lose yourself when one is with so many people at a time. Who am I now? Where do I fit into this new scheme of things? How to stretch myself? It is so hard to find what I want. So many people telling you what you should do, what you should not do. How to approach a problem, how to solve it. It is almost like you are fast losing your identity, because the way you do things is what makes you. How can you even try to break yourself and build a new you? Prejudice stops you and so does your vanity.
So, I sit back and observe the people around me. There are some who are constant sources of information. It is easy to read them. They are the ones who have issues which are trivial and they are continuously trying to cultivate it as an excuse to brood. Do I sound arrogant when I say this? May be yes, but I stop to think, why react to people who have no effect on you? Why react to situations which cannot change the way you get on with your life? Why not focus on issues which you have full control, rather than divert your energies to those which you do not have control upon?
And then there are some people, who can be phlegmatic and unfazed by people as if they are not visible, as if their words do not reach their ears. People around them are unimportant, their actions meaningless. I admire these people, and I feel intrigued as to how they can make everything related to them, when in reality, for an outsider, he may well seem to be someone who sits in a corner and looks at everything with expressionless eyes. Nothing moves him. You may talk to him; say something about why things are what they seem to be. He listens, with those expressionless eyes, and then turns to whatever he seemed to be doing before, that is nothing.
I feel flustered. When you articulate your emotions to human language, you expect a reaction, even a wry smile or a monosyllabic reaction. But then I stop, and I realize, what is the need to react to people? Is there a compulsion to always have a reaction? And that too for someone whom you don’t know? People have been forced into the relationships of acquaintances here, we all have been. But we cannot be forced into making reactions, to the people and to the situations around us.
But it is difficult for me to inculcate that behavior. I find myself thinking a lot, about a situation which I have no control upon. So much so, that I try to force myself into believing that it is under my control. Everything around is under my control, and if it has to be out of my control, then that shortcoming rests with me. This clouds my mind, and I lose myself because such things make me weak. The fact that things are out of my purview make me jittery and I question myself. And the answers are hard to come by.
I wish again that I could look at things without expressions and without emotions. I wish I could learn how not to involve myself with lifeless things, just like the expressionless-eyed fellow. But then, I would become him, someone I don’t know.
This is one of my favorite poems…. was lost sumwhr within the pages of my old diary….
I started out to think.. that this is my story..
But when I moved on further I realized that it’s not..
No poem belongs to one person.. n this is the most beautiful thing about poetry.. In few words, it can capture the lives & sentiments of many..
This is strange how everyone shares this element of similarity even while juggling with one’s own uniqueness.. How everyone wants to blend in.. This poem is nothing but an idea.. a thought blended into rhyme.. you might have felt the same at some point of your life.. or you might have seen this idea somewhere else.. in someone else’s words.. But, the core remains the same.. n It always will be n that is..
You are Unique.. just like everyone else..
I’ve flowers blooming around me
& birds flying high in the sky,
There’s so much to be happy about
but still I find myself so dry..
As the world moves swiftly in front of me
I’m standing here all alone,
Thinking if it will lose its pace
When I will be dead & gone..
Will I be remembered with love
like the essence of a breeze,
Or will I be forgotten
the way leaves wither away from trees..
Will the winds stop blowing
Will the rainbow lose its charms,
Will the sky miss me standing below it
Opening wide my arms..
Will the sun reduce its intensity
Will it stop shining bright,
Will the stars & the moon miss me too
gazing at them at night..
Will the earth stop spinning for a moment
& notice my absence,
For all I did was to live a life
without making any difference..
For I lived like a stubborn tide
crashing at random places,
Trying to embrace anonymity
scared of my different faces..
Tried to suppress my individuality
wanted to get lost in the crowd,
Always trying to keep them happy
while my own soul cried out loud..
I always tried to become
what others wanted me to be,
In pursuit of their love
I stopped loving real me..
When the truth basked upon me
like a sudden blow,
I broke into a hundred pieces
Didn’t know where to go..
But life’s not meant for crying
for nurturing hurt & pain,
With a new sense of purpose & hope
My new journey began..
PS: Cross posting from my earlier blog. Written on June 10,2009
PS : I had to write this … It’s been a long time coming across a funny incident like this
“Indrani…Grrrr Grrrr….. hey idiot Indraaaaaaaaaaaniiii…….” I heard at 7 in the morning as my alarm clock had exhausted it’s battery life. As usually I was in the US, sightseeing with Mr. Obama. I mean I was in my dreams. Lolz lolz “Abeee Oyeeeeee” someone screamed again.
“Who the hell is that nut head??” I wondered, rolled and dived like an Olympic Gold medalist into the ground bruising my forehead over the floor. I stood up rubbing my head to realize that I was in my bed room and my trip was over. In other words, the beautiful night was over.
“Dabba nan magane (useless female)…Grrrrr…Indraaaniiii” I heard again. I walked to the door and opened it to find Priya with her jogging gear on.
“Hi da, what’s up?” I asked which pissed her off like crazy.
“Bloody damn ass. We decided to go jogging today… Don’t you remember?
“Did we? Isn’t it late now? Can we go now?” I enquired in an American accent.
“Yes We Can” she announced like Mr.Obama. hehehehehe
I walked back still rubbing my eyes convincing myself that I was awake now and I was in India. I too put on my jogging gear on, banged the door behind me and said to Priya who was tying her shoe laces- “Don’t delay Girl. This is what I hate about you.”
She found a stone and pelted at me. Anyway, we finally hit the road, jogging all around Electronics City. As we jogged along, we discussed matters varying from national issues like- “If it was NIKE or REEBOK that was pelted at our Home minister” to local issues like- “The best strategy to irritate boyfriends lolz lolz .” She then noticed a street dog to her right and hence immediately shifted her position to the left of me. Anyway, we jogged along talking about this and that, though we were occasionally distracted by either very good looking guys or either very bad ones. .. How pathetic isnt it?
As the jogging had come to a halt and we were both puffing with our hands on our knees, we found a huge gathering a few meters ahead of us. The banner said- “Inauguration Of Nirmala Public Toilet.”
At first we thought, Mrs. Nirmala was the owner of this toilet, but then realized that ‘Nirmala’ meant ‘Clean’and not a name. As we read further we learnt that it will be inaugurated by a local MLA. And the most exciting and funny part was that free breakfast would be served after the inauguration. I was picturing a scene on my mind where Priya runs to the toilet and asks- Is the breakfast ready?
Priya who was standing with her eyes fixed to the newly built public toilet was lost in thoughts. I dint want to disturb her, so went to check out as to what was getting prepared for breakfast. Nice hot Kesari Bath was getting ready and I returned to Priya to convey the good news. Priya still stood staring at the public toilet as if she was staring at an ex-boy friend who’d ditched her and cursing him . She finally, slowly turned to me and said with a low voice- “babes, now I really need to go to the toilet.”
“Just by seeing a toilet??”
“Yeah Teddy. That’s my weakness.”
“How tragic!!”
“I’m going in. Urgent” she said and walked towards it. People were tying the ribbon which the MLA was supposed to cut for the inauguration. She pushed a 10 rupee note to a cleaner and entered the toilet from under the ribbon. Meanwhile I walked to the dining area and enquired as to when the breakfast will be ready. Meanwhile, the MLA had arrived and Priya was still inside the White-House. I climbed a nearby compound wall and watched the scene.
The MLA cut the ribbon and a loud round of applauds made its way. Just then, with ultimate grace, like in a fashion show, The GREAT Ms.PRIYA was seen walking out from inside and everyone looked with their eye brows hooked in amazement. The MLA gaped astonishingly and disgustingly at her in confusion. Priya mustered a shameless smile and even more shamelessly said- “ Nice Toilet” smiled and hurried out like a sheep.
Anyway, finally we had the Kesari Bath and coffee after which I had to visit the White-House. Later, as we were ready to leave, I announced- “We have just ‘inaugurated’ a public toilet in the true sense of the word. I’m proud.”
HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHA lolz lolz loz…. Babes … days are really funny with you around….
